Sobre la buena educación y otras cosillas

1) Nunca te olvidarás de dar las gracias
2) Tratarás de usted a los desconocidos
3) Harás cola sin intentar saltarte el turno
4) No abusarás de la calefacción en compañía de otros
5) No dejarás que tus hijos incordien en lugares públicos
6) Serás puntual en las citas
7) No robarás taxis a los desconocidos
8) No hablarás de tus enfermedades
9) No utilizarás palabras y frases ofensivas
10) No presumirás que los demás saben quién eres

Más en este enlace.

Neoyorquinos

Sometimes, if you listen closely, a neighborhood can have just as much of a personality as an individual. I used to live in New York’s East Village, but before it was cool and trendy-when it was just dangerous. One night, I heard a guy being held up at gunpoint outside my window. Another night, three guys kicked the shit out of me just for fun. Those experiences, along with the following things I overheard in the area at the time, contributed to my decision to save up and move to a neighbourhood with a more stable personality.

Overheard on Avenue B, two men talking:
«Just because I killed someone doesn’t mean I’m an expert.»

Overheard on the same block, a man talking to a woman:
«I’m not a jealous guy, I’m just violent.»

Overheard on East Seventh Street, a man talking to a lamppost:
«I am going to break your face, sucker.»

Overheard at the Odessa Restaurant near Tompkins Square Park, the owner talking to an anarchist squatter:
«I think you guys should start another riot for me. I need the business.»

Overheard on Avenue A, two well-dressed white men talking:
«I’m not a racist or anything, but have you ever beaten up an African-American?»

Overheard at the bar 7B, two women talking:
«He’s a total fox, so I love him. But he completely has no personality and doesn’t speak a word of English.»

Overheard on a building stoop on East Sixth Street, a man talking to the apartment supervisor:
«You can’t always go calling the coroner ten hours afterward.»

Overheard in Tompkins Square Park, two homeless men talking:
«What’s the point in pretending like I’m sane anymore?»

Overheard on Avenue D, two men talking, and I don’t know what this means but it’s scary as fuck:
«I don’t take a life, I bury a soul.»

Neil Strauss, Everyone Loves You When You’re Dead: Journeys into Fame and Madness.

Objetos

What I do find hard to bear is money in its role as the coinage of virtue and that, I sometimes think, is its biggest role in our society. Many people have protested about advertising and media images that make people feel inadequate. The perfect Mum using the perfect washing powder or producing the perfect meals with perfect ingredients causes other, normal Mums who also go out to work, an unjustified anxiety and sense of failure. The perfect Dad, covering his family with layers of insurance, does much the same things to men. But these messages do more than create inadequacies. They constantly, though much more subtly, correlate money-through possession-with being a good person.

The woman in the ad may be wielding a box of Magic Formula X and a silly smile but behind her and around her lies her real virtue- a(£3,000)fitted kitchen, (£1000)worth of kitchen equipment and a glimpse beyond of wall-to-wall carpets and Dralon upholstery… Take women’s magazines, ostensibly dedicated to the average and virtuous homebody, cooking her heart out on a shoestring. What do we actually see in the glossy, full-coloured photographs? Delicious food, certainly, but served in casseroles that a moment’s thought tell us cost (£40) a throw and laid on tables of a pine’s antiquity worth a month’s salary…

Worse follows. Our little screens bring frightfully nice people into our homes, telling us of their ideals, their devotion to vitamins or bread-making or some such virtue-ridden occupation and there they are, surrounded by gently glowing rosewood, sunk in velvet sofas, framed by hugely expensive potted palms and hunting prints that cost a grand a go…

Thus we learn, Pavlov-style, to associate everything we have been taught to respect-concern for others, good housewifery, good motherhood, hard work, moral excellence-with a back-ground of sumptuous living such as most of us cannot hope to reproduce…

A woman once confided in me her distress that her daughter was living with a married man. ‘I am a Christian woman,’ she said, ‘and find what she is doing wrong. Besides, they have no carpets and they sleep on the floor.’ Which sin do you suppose distressed her more?

Jill Tweedie para «Guardian», 1978.

Ferengi rules of acquisition

Once you have their money … never give it back.
Never pay more for an acquisition than you have to.
Never allow family to stand in the way of opportunity.
A man is only worth the sum of his possessions.
Keep your ears open.
Small print leads to large risk.
Opportunity plus instinct equals profit.
Greed is eternal.
Anything worth doing is worth doing for money.
A deal is a deal … until a better one comes along.
A contract is a contract is a contract (but only between Ferengi).
A Ferengi without profit is no Ferengi at all.
Satisfaction is not guaranteed.
Never place friendship above profit.
A wise man can hear profit in the wind.
Nothing is more important than your health–except for your money.
There’s nothing more dangerous than an honest businessman.
Never make fun of a Ferengi’s mother … insult something he cares about instead.
It never hurts to suck up to the boss.
Peace is good for business.
War is good for business.
She can touch your lobes but never your latinum.
Profit is its own reward.
Never confuse wisdom with luck.
Expand, or die.
Don’t trust a man wearing a better suit than your own.
The bigger the smile, the sharper the knife.
Never ask when you can take.
Good customers are as rare as latinum — treasure them.
There is no substitute for success.
Free advice is seldom cheap.
Keep your lies consistent.
The riskier the road, the greater the profit.
Win or lose, there’s always Hyperian beetle snuff.
Home is where the heart is … but the stars are made of latinum.
Every once in a while, declare peace. It confuses the hell out of your enemies.
Beware of the Vulcan greed for knowledge.
The flimsier the product, the higher the price.
Never let the competition know what you’re thinking.
Ask not what your profits can do for you, but what you can do for your profits.
Females and finances don’t mix.
Enough … is never enough.
Trust is the biggest liability of all.
Nature decays, but latinum lasts forever.
Sleep can interfere with profit.
Faith moves mountains … of inventory.
There is no honour in poverty.
Dignity and an empty sack is worth the sack.
Treat people in your debt like family … exploit them.
Never have sex with the boss’s sister.
Always have sex with the boss.
You can’t free a fish from water.
Everything is for sale, even friendship.
Even a blind man can recognize the glow of latinum.
Wives serve, brothers inherit.
Only fools pay retail.
There’s nothing wrong with charity … as long as it winds up in your pocket.
Even in the worst of times someone turns a profit.
Know your enemies … but do business with them always.
Not even dishonesty can tarnish the shine of profit.
Let others keep their reputation. You keep their money.
Never cheat a Klingon … unless you’re sure you can get away with it.
It’s always good business to know about new customers before they walk in the door.
The justification for profit is profit.
New customers are like razortoothed grubworms. They can be succulent, but sometimes they can bite back.
Employees are rungs on the ladder of success. Don’t hesitate to step on them.
Never begin a negotiation on an empty stomach.
Always know what you’re buying.
Beware the man who doesn’t make time for oo-mox.
Latinum lasts longer than lust.
You can’t buy fate.
Never be afraid to mislabel a product.
More is good … all is better.
A wife is a luxury … a smart accountant is a necessity.
A wealthy man can afford anything except a conscience.
Never allow doubt to tarnish your love of latinum.
When in doubt, lie.
Deep down everyone’s a Ferengi.
No good deed ever goes unpunished.
[Quark’s rule] When Morn leaves, it’s all over.

*

Stages of Acquisition.

Infatuation: An unreasoning love or attraction … «I want it.»

Justification: Moral excuse used to explain … «I must have it!»

Appropriation: To take to one’s self in exclusion of others … «IT’S MINE AT LAST!»

Obsession: A compulsive or irrational preoccupation … «Precious!»

Resale: The action of selling something previously bought … «Make me an offer.»

———
Funny, isn’t it?

Mundo felino

Remember. From the cat’s instinctive point of view, the animal world consists of:

1) things that eat it

2) things it can eat

3) things it can eat but will regret immediately;

and

4) other cats.

But we then expect it to be perfectly at ease when faced with:

a) Meals On Treadwheels

b) meals in cages(the Flying NcNuggets)

c) mad quivering meals in hutches, which in the worst cases may be forced to join our Real cat, plus two dolls and a teddy bear, for a black-lawn tea party consisting of water and crumbled biscuits

d) feathery meals which actually encouraged to come onto the black lawn for breadcrumbs

e) meals in ponds

f) large grubby barking things

g) miscellaneous

It’s a wonder they stay sane. In fact, as all Real cat owners know, cats get around most problems caused by all of the above by pretending they don’t exist. Just like us, really.

The only household pet I have ever known actually faze a Real cat is a tortoise. This may be because a cat has problems coming to terms with the fact that a tortoise is a fellow fauna. It appears to be a small piece of scenery which inexplicably moves about.

These days you don’t shove a tortoise in a box to tough it out for the winter, since no one makes tortoises any more and they change hands, people keep telling us, for zillions of pounds. We used to let ours doze the winter away in front of the fire, lurching awake every day or two for a bit of lettuce. A peaceful, untroubled existence, but one which did not appeal to Real cat because a tortoise is impossible to frighten. Tortoise don’t know the meaning of the world ‘fear’ or, indeed, any other word. Oh, they nip into their shell at a passing shadow out of common sense, but as far as they are concerned the presence of a cat in front of the fire just means that here’s a pile of fur that is nice to burrow under. They sneak up on it, because for tortoises there’s no other way, and the first the cat knows is when the edge of a shell is purposefully levering it off the carpet. The cat goes and sits in the corner and looks worried. And then one of them develops an unnatural appetite for cat food. The Real cat sits looking gnomically at a shell seesawing madly on the edge of its dish, and sighs deeply.

Terry Pratchett, «The Unadulterated Cat».

Títulos.

Una selección de títulos curiosos por categorías.

They didn’t mean it. Unintentional double-entendre titles.

«Games You Can Play with Your Pussy»
«Enid Blyton’s Gay Story Book»
«Penetrating Wgner’s Ring»
«The Big Problem of Small Organs»
«Queer Doings in the Navy»

We have a book on it. Atonishingly specialized subjects.

«Why People move»
«Shoe Bottom Costing»
«Sodomy and the Pirate Tradition: English Sea Rovers in the Seventeenth Century Caribbean»
«Selected Themes and Icons from Spanish Literature: Of Beards, Shoes, Cucumbers, and Leprosy»
«The Foul and the Fragrant: Odor and the French Social Image»
«European Spoons before 1700»
«What to Say when You Talk to Yourself»
«The toothbrush: its Use and Abuse»
«A User’s Guide to Capitalism and Schizophrenia»
«How to Write While You Sleep»
«Cannibalism and the Common Law: A Victorian Yachting Tragedy»

Bad hair day.

«Philosophy of Red Hair»
«The Unconscious Significance of Hair»
«Pro Sacertodum Barbis»
«New Views on Baldness»

Dirty books.

«Dirt: A Social History as Seen Through the Uses and Abuses of Dirt»
«It’s a Gas! A Study of Flatulence»

The wonderful world of nature. Weird books on plants and animals.

«Fishes I Have Known»
«Do Snakes Have Legs?»
«Rats for Those Who Care»
«Fish Who Answer the Telephone»
«Did a Hen or an Egg Exist First?or, My Talks with a Sceptic»

In sickness and in heatlh. Medical oddities and sick titles.

«Cancer: Is the Dog the Cause?»
«The Itinerary of a Breakfast»
«My Prostate and Me»
«The Abuse of Elderly People: A Handbook for Professionals»
«Syphilis:or, A Poetical History of the French Disease»
«The Prostate: A Guide for Men and the Women Who Love Them»

Love, marriage and… Encounters, exotic and erotic.

«Literature of Kissing»
«Be Married and Like It»
«Stop in the Name of Love: Ejaculation Control for life»

Bizarre Books, Russel Ash & Brian Lake.